CONFESSIONS OF A                                                                  
A San Francisco Girl's Down and Dirty Adventures in the Culinary Playground

Monday, February 26, 2007

This Is Sort Of Food Related, or Strawberry Shortcake Is a Dirty Two-Bit Ho

Let me explain to you the frustration that I'm sure we're all feeling together right now. I have finished writing El Bulli, Part 2. The photos, however, are not saved in the right format and I am a photo retard. So Jon will fix that and I will have it up for you this week. Still, I spent about 4 fucking hours writing the damn thing, and I really wanted to make it cyberspace's problem and not mine anymore. Also, there will be a Part 3 and a Part 4 because there is just too much to say. I'm getting an ulcer just contemplating the whole situation.

I thought I owe you at least something, so here goes.

While dining with friends at Aziza recently, we got to talking about childhood toys. My friends were horrified to learn that I tortured my Barbie dolls by chopping off their hair and ripping out their limbs. What did you expect from a short little brunette?

I confessed that my favorite dolls as a kid were the Strawberry Shortcake dolls. Of course. I loved their little pets, and I loved that they had food names and I loved that they smelled nice. And they were cute. Like me.

Flash forward to Jon and I roaming the toy aisles of an unnamed shiteous store to kill time when we were early to the airport.

What I saw made me shriek in horror and, quite frankly, freak the fuck out.

Strawberry Shortcake has become a slut. Not any slut, mind you, but a super slut aimed at giving little girls a complex. Gone is the short, spunky haircut, replaced now by long flowing locks. I've got nothing against long flowing locks, I'm a proud owner of some, but why the change? She is now wearing a MINI-SKIRT, just begging for Huckleberry Pie to lift it up and give it to her good.

And speaking of Huckleberry Pie, where did he go???? And where is Mint Tulip? Or Sour Grapes? And the pets? For the love of God, why would you get rid of the pets???

Now she has new twat like friends that are so skanky I think their gift sets come with a nice case of pubic lice. And their names! Blueberry Muffin? Lemon Meringue Pie? Those are slut names if I ever heard them. They might as well call up Tickle Me Elmo to come be their pimp. I mean Strawberry herself looks like a cheap Lindsay Lohan knock-off right now.

Jesus, next thing you know I'll find out that Rainbow Brite is boning G.I. Joe. My childhood is shattered.


"To eat is a necessity. To eat intelligently is an art."
-- La Rochefoucauld


Blogger Derrick said...

I'm pretty sure that Blueberry Muffin, at least, was in the original Shortcake milieu. That's my memory anyway.

2/26/2007 5:26 PM  
Blogger Stephanie V.W. Lucianovic said...

Oh, love, I hate like the dickens to contradict you but Blueberry Muffin with her big rubbery plastic hat and Lemon Meringue have been around as along as SS herself.

At least, when I was growing up in Minnesota -- maybe we're a state full of fruit tarts -- they were and I think I'm a good several years older than you.

2/26/2007 11:24 PM  
Blogger Joy said...

OK, well, my point is they only left the slutty ones in the line-up and took out all the ones that had less slutty names. Besides Blueberry and Lemon, I also saw a Raspberry Tart.

2/27/2007 6:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't even remember her hair. All I can remember is the nasty faux-strawberry smell she gave off. It made my head hurt. Even thinking about it now makes my head hurt.

2/27/2007 10:07 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I could not stop laughing at this post. You're a god when it comes to the funny.

2/27/2007 10:46 AM  

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